Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 60 ~ Redefining Myself

Day 60

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

That pic is of the pudding that “saved me.” The sleep shortage, stress, and doubled workload that is dead week has me craving sugar like crazy. I’m smart enough to not keep temptations in the house, but after C was in bed somehow I got Domino’s Cinna Stix on the brain…and how they could easily be delivered. I almost did it. I had them in the online cart. I was having a really hard time stopping, so I put it in my status on FB and that (and Jackie & Hannah) stopped me. Making things public has helped me so much to not skip workouts, to not cheat on my diet. I don’t want to have to type it out that I failed myself, so most of the time I power through. I wound up finding a packet of sugar free fat free banana cream pudding in a drawer in my kitchen. I have no idea why I even have that, but it cured my sugar craving without totally wrecking my macro ratio and cal tally for the day as Cinna Stix would have. I’m not supposed to be on dairy and I had planned to make the pudding with this super snazzy 60 cal/serving soy milk I bought a few days ago (1/2 the carbs of milk too!), but the Jell-O box specifically said it wouldn’t set if made with soy milk. I thought my plan had been foiled until I realized I still had a little bit of NF milk in the fridge from before I cut out dairy. Saved by the pudding, not the bell, haha ;)

I haven’t had a cheat meal in quite a while, too long for purposes of dietary sanity really, but with the Emerald Cup so close the idea of a cheat meal lacks its former appeal. It’s the last week of winter quarter and I’m feeling the stress / time crunch / exhaustion of it. On more of a subconscious level, another source of stress is the knowledge that as soon as winter quarter grades post I won’t get to say that I’m a 4.0 student anymore. I completed my entire A.A. in Business with a 4.0 and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment. I even survived business calculus with an A despite the fact that I had to do 20 credits of pre-req math classes, not even on my degree, just to get to that class. I’ve long been at war with all things algebra, but I turned it around and got A’s in ever single one of those classes.

After transferring in to start my junior year here I made it through my first quarter, 4.0 still intact. I knew before winter quarter stated that ECON 309, economics being my weakest subject, would likely take me down. Unless I get a 94% or above on the final there won’t be an A, and I don’t expect one. In a rather funny twist though, an A in econ is likelier than an A in my ACCT 342 class. The professor doesn’t curve and by my calculation I’ll need 100% on the final to correct the deficiencies on the first two exams and pull it out. I do, however, feel secure about my beloved tax class and my ever entertaining marketing class. Part of me looks forward to losing my gpa, as it will lift the weight of always striving to keep it up, but I know it’s going to sadden me too.

It’s not so much about the grades; it’s about defining myself. I am very driven and I always have to have a focal goal on the horizon that I’m working towards. If I don’t it makes me batty. That’s why I quit working as a chef and went into bookkeeping 8 ½ years ago, it’s why I quit my job to go to school almost 3 years ago, it’s how I got my President’s Medal at community college, and it’s why I’m committing 15 hours plus weekly to the gym and putting myself through such a challenging diet gunning for the Emerald Cup stage. It’s the reason behind plenty of other things too, but those are the high points ;)
Honestly, I think I took on the Emerald Cup now, despite it making no logical sense with my time constraints, because I knew I would go down this quarter. I knew I would lose that part of my identity and I knew I needed something new and impressive to replace it. Perhaps that gpa dive bomb headed for my transcript is just the motivation I need to kick my training and diet up those extra notches to a top five placing in the Women’s Open Figure 5’4” – 5’5” Class at The Emerald Cup. That would be quite a story for a first time figure competitor, but I can’t help it, I’m an unstoppable optimist at heart =)

6:20 am Cardio & Abs

I had a harder time at it than usual this morning, after being on the elliptical for 5 min I almost got off and got back in bed…almost.

30 min Interval program
364 cals burned
DB Side Bends 30 lbs x 15 reps x 3 sets left x 3 sets right

I was supposed to train biceps and triceps today, but between Charlie staying home sick from preschool and everything else it didn’t happen. I’m going to double up tomorrow and do a biceps/triceps session in the morning in addition to the legs and glutes session already planned for the afternoon.

Daily Macro Ratio

Protein 47% (203 grams) Carbs 46% (200 grams) Fat 7% (31 grams)

Daily Cal Tally

1,891 Ingested
(1,448) BMR
(364) Cardio
79 Net Gain

My macro ratios are ok, not great. Carbs are too high and fat is too low. I should have fat between 10-15% with a corresponding reduction in my carb percentage. Healthy fats (almonds, olive oil, avocados, etc.) are a help, not a hindrance in recompositioning the body. I can’t say the same about carbs (unfortunately – they’re my favorite!)

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